Day 30: Ex's Response to My Letter
EX: I'd rather die than hurt you.
ME: Why?
EX: I want to see where this thing with Sven goes.
ME: Why? What does he have?
EX: He holds my hand in public -
ME (cutting him off): I can DO that!
EX: I want something new.
ME (pause): Hit me.
(He shakes his head "no."
(Suddenly I shove him - hard. He retreats to the hallway, facing away from me.)
EX (after a long pause): I can't believe you did that. It hurts - still hurts. (Beat.) You need to leave.
ME: No.
EX: I'll call the police.
ME: My name is on the fucking lease. (Beat.) You're such a liar. You're a heartless fuck. You think life is some kind of fucking fairytale? "Hi, I'm Ex, I steal everything. Every piece of choreography I steal from Martha Graham. Every fucking piece of my life I steal from fairytales so I fuck a 26-year-old twit because he's my new fucking Prince Charming." You don't tell me about him. You let me move five buildings down the street while you're fucking him in our bedroom. You don't deserve love. I hope Sven breaks your heart and you feel what it's like. (Beat.) I'm going to kill myself.
EX: You're not.
ME: I am.
EX: You're not.
ME: I am.
EX: Well that's an awful thing to do to yourself. People care about you.
ME: You're a stranger. You're completely fucking heartless.
EX (resigned): I found some of your laundry...
(He places the laundry along with a fitted sheet - our old sheet - into a bag, then flinches as I lunge towards him to rip it out. I kick the cat's cardboard scratch-post/bed.)
EX: You need to pull yourself together.
(I grab my bag of laundry, crying, unable to speak except in tear-stuffed croaks.)
ME (pointing to myself): This is a shell of a human being. You took everything! I gave you everything. And now you're giving it to someone else - so quickly...
(I leave. He calls after me.)
EX: I need your keys.
ME (nearly inaudible): I can't.
EX: Kayla [a friend of Ex's who is staying with him while she looks for a new apartment] Kayla needs a set of keys so she can get in from work.
ME (louder): I can't give you the keys - not yet.
EX: Can I take the car to Home Depot to get them copied?
(I wander unsteadily down the stairs to the first floor. The last thing I hear is an impatient sigh from Ex. Then I leave the building.)
Needless to say, I'd hoped for a more loving encounter. I behaved very badly, I know, but mostly I just don't care. I've reached a slightly modified version of my conclusion from Day 13. The Ex I fell in love with is dead and I will mourn him, but I don't know how to be friends with the new Ex. He is, to quote For Real, a total asshole.
5 comments:
im really sorry that you have to go through this hun. i know how badly it feels! ive acted the same to. you cant help it at the time. you will get through this! i know it doesnt do anything to give advice because youre gonna do what you want, i should know because ive been through an awful break-up before! quite a few! but it does help to talk to someone! ill keep in touch sweetheart!
Steve; I just read your entire blog as it stands. It is so powerful, yet so sad and real. I have the aching in my gut that you have because your writings put me directly in the center. Please realize that there is life after this. I am on month 8 of post-8 year relationship and I promise it gets better. You are so right about reconnected with those neglected during your partnered time. You realize who your true friends are and how important family is. If it wasn't for their support, things would be much worse. I know you are writing for healing, and I pray you are finding it. I don't know if you are spiritual or not, but the other more important thing that I realized through my experience is that we are destined for greatness and that things happen for a reason. The answer/reason may not be revealed now, but eventually it will become clear. We just have to trust in ourselves and allow us to be guided. Please take care and find peace in knowing that you are amazing, powerful, and inspiring. Ray
Heartbreaking. For what it's worth...while you're waiting for your 'real life' to begin after this devastating blow - don't spend 6 months trying to be who you were before. That person was a kid...You - the person you are now is better, stronger, wiser, has a kick ass insightful sister, a dick of an ex-boyfriend and can make strangers in Austin Texas stay up waay past his bedtime and cry (lil'bit) with your words. When you're ready - let go of young/scared you.... let go of the coupled up you. Get to know this new you. I promise you're going to like him a lot more.
Only good things.
Best
-J
Hi Jman1977,
I LOVE this comment - thank you! Yes, I do have a kick-ass insightful sister, it's nice to hear my ex referred to as a "dick" (even if it's not always true), and I believe the most challenging part of the whole process is to move beyond the past and reconnect with a better, present-tense version of oneself. I hope you saw something of yourself in all this, too - if only as a reminder of experiences you've since overcome.
Thank you again.
Steve
Brittany and Raymond,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and lend your support.
Brittany - I'm glad you made it through your breakups. You sound happy, grounded, and empathetic - three qualities I hope to nourish as I work my way through this.
Raymond - thank you for sharing some of your own personal experience. I'm writing for a variety of reasons - I'm hoping my next entry will address these a bit. But if I inspired you at all, even by reminding you of how far you've come in your own journey, that's definitely a better reason to be writing than simply for my own sake.
Thank you,
Steve
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